Thought You Were a Skinny Betch?

Thought You Were a Skinny Betch?

I thought I was a skinny betch until I stepped on a scale with handlebars.

Maybe I was a “healthy weight” in Manhattan, 
but NOT in L.A.

According to the ever kind nutritionist at the smoothie bar, I was overweight by 10 fucking pounds.

Now I am possibly capable of ignoring that comment coming from a middle aged body builder, but what was truly traumatizing and unrecoverable was when I was informed of  my fat percentage..26%

26% pure, unadultered fat containing what I thought was my rather enviable bod.

Uh Oh..time for anorexia..how long can I go until my next meal??? What liquid diet can I go on NOW that won’t leave me collapsing at work or giving up after 2 drinks?? 

And let's be honest, I can’t kid myself that I’d give up alcohol in the name of fat reduction.

How do I regain my skinny betch status?

Now, I’m not one to starve myself.

To be perfectly honest, it’s not that I havent’t made a few valiant attempts. But after about 4 hours of my foodless existence, I caved.

Cravings for nachos and ice cream sundaes, boneless buffalo wings and  brownies overwhelmed my consciousness. How can I give up pulled pork and hamburgers? Cajun waffle fries and egg sandwiches? I don’t think so. 

Maybe I’ll binge so hard for a weekend that a salad or a bowl of broth feels kind of refreshing for a day or two but then I’m back to buttered biscuits and beef brisket, don’t forget the chocolate chip cookie to end the evening.

So, what is my ingenius solution to cut my 26% pure disgusting fat down to 0%, well more like 17% (You get hospitalized at 8-9% so lets not be unrealistic here)?

Well...

I have mastered for your and my benefit the creation of foods and drinks that taste like fat kid galore but leave you...as always...a fucking skinny betch.    

Your Truly,

Another Skinny Betch